Here on Locket’s Meadow Farm the annual drive to increase weight before the cold weather sets in has begun in earnest. Most of our animals are getting extra grain and hay, the older horses are getting a dose of oil poured on their dinner, and I am saying “yes!” to that second helping of pie (OK, so I seldom say “no” to a second helping of anything . . . lay off . . .) but we farmers understand that a little fat helps keep everyone warm and healthy throughout the winter, and I like to take full advantage of the holidays to pack on that extra ten pounds that will keep me from shivering while filling outdoor water troughs in the middle of a blizzard.

Which brings me to the point of this column, which is to pose the question, “Is Christina Aguilera fat?”

I ask this because last week all heck broke loose online when Christina performed at the American Music Awards wearing a dress so tight the audience could hear her hips screaming, “Uncle!” from the nosebleed seats. Apparently, in anticipation of another frigid L.A. holiday season, the singer has also already gained her “winter 10.” The reaction of the public was instant and rabid; the comments posted online would lead one to believe that if Christina jumped into the pool at Sea World, Shamu would be hurled out onto the deck with the flood of displaced water. Really, how heavy could she actually be?

I took a moment to study some of the online pictures and I was, indeed, horrified. By my guesstimation (and I am just as good at guessing clothing sizes as horse blanket sizes) Miss Aguilera is a size 4 who quite possibly made the unforgivable mistake of stuffing herself into a size 2 dress (because none of us has ever done anything like that before.)

My educated opinion is that neither that dress, nor her paltry layer of “fat”, would do her a lick of good while feeding horses in 20-degree weather and I couldn’t help but feel concern for her welfare. However, I decided to go to my trusty panel of experts and get their opinion on how chunky - or not - the former Mouseketeer actually is; I pulled up my Facebook account and tossed the question out to my homies.

My first responder, Abby from Cheshire, who is clearly preparing for a career in politics, provided a politically correct non-answer, “It's less about look, and all about feel and what's on the inside. If she's healthy and feeling good-- that's the key.” Abby, Abby, Abby . . . you know I love you, but really, do you think she’s fat? I know you hate the hair (“I think her hair here is way more offensive than her body,”) but I am asking about FAT.

Chelse from Guilford said she thinks Christina looks “great” and wished she had her figure. Most of my female friends agreed, while adding that her stylist should be fired for the AMA debacle– wrong dress, wrong hair. Kathleen H. of NYC (where “skinny” is a very active verb) said, “Anybody whose got a tiny view of what a woman’s body should be and spends time judging others should take a good long look at their own self love.”

Amen, Kathleen H! Because judging by the reaction of the masses, if anyone posted a picture of me on the Internet for all the world to see, they would be affronted by my winter-sized caboose stuffed into my Levi’s 518 size 9L jeans. Holy guacamole! (Mmmmmm . . . guacamole . . . ) It’s not enough that Christina has a glorious voice and is an amazing entertainer; to please the masses she also has to give up eating and spend her winters indoors huddled over a radiator wearing an ginormous size 4 Snuggie. For what? Because millions of anonymous people who hate their own bodies have posted nastiness about Christina’s body online?

Which brings me to my favorite topic of all time – bullying. Why on Earth do we think it’s OK to trash people whom we are clearly jealous of just because we can hide behind the anonymous veil of the Internet? Ladies . . . ladies! If we can’t be supportive of each other, who else can we turn to? Crucifying Christina does not help our collective cause. What happened to the sisterhood our foremothers strove towards . . .  what happened to . . . oh, wait . . . pardon me for one moment. . . I am being interrupted by a “friend” who is providing me with an important quote from Kelly Osborne . . .

"Maybe she is just becoming the fat b***h she was born to be," Osbourne remarked about Aguilera after Joan Rivers criticized the singer for a too-tight outfit. "I don't know. She was a **** to me. She called me fat for so many ****ing years. So you know what? **** you! You're fat too."

(Excuse me a moment while I pause to regroup. . .)

You know, I think the solution here is to eat just one more piece of leftover pie and head outside, shovel the “glamour” out of a few stalls and feed the horses. Horses always help me keep my priorities straight, especially since they love me no matter what I look like. I have never once had a horse call me fat . . . no, wait . . . I take that back . . .  there was that one year when the Winter 10 turned into the Preparing for the Apocalypse 20 and my little Arab, Classy, took great offense when I sat on her back . . .  but that’s a story for another, less weighty day . . .

*Editor Kathleen Schurman owns Locket’s Meadow Farm in Bethany where she lives a life filled with “glamour” which is her cute little euphemism for “manure/mud/slime, etc.” When she is not writing for the Bethwood Patch she is shoveling glamour, teaching therapeutic riding and occasionally writing a book. But mostly, she’s shoveling glamour . . .