The Rapture is scheduled for Saturday of this week and I just can’t seem to get excited about it. For one thing, it’s been on the calendar many times in the past, but for one reason or another, it keeps getting pushed back. For another thing, I’ve been told I don’t qualify. By my son.
Several months ago Matt inboxed me with a link to what he saw as an excellent business opportunity. Apparently, there are legitimate groups that specialize in post-rapture pet care, since according to most fundamentalist Christian beliefs animals don’t have souls and won’t be taken up with them. This leaves a dilemma for the faithful who will be leaving behind their beloved pets. My son accompanied this link to Eternal Earthbound Pets with the note: “Mom, this is perfect for you. No one will ever believe you will be taken up in the Rapture, but they will believe you’ll take care of their pets when they are.”
Thank you, Matthew John. I appreciate that vote of confidence and your belief in the inherent goodness of my soul. I love you, too.
However, I found his link fascinating. First, I quickly learned I couldn’t afford their services, not even before they raised their rates (From their site: Notice of Rate Increase: Due to the increased activity associated with the May 21, 2011 Rapture prophesy we have increased our service rates for all new contracts submitted as of 1/13/11.) Second, it was only a few minutes before I realized they were dead-serious (no pun intended.) This is an honest-to-God legitimate service (again, no pun intended.) Third, once I took a look at the questions on the application, I knew I was doomed (I apologize yet again) but this organization would reject me even faster than Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Here’s a sampling of my answers:
5) Number of Pets to be rescued at address:
Names of Pet(s) and Breed(s): There are a total of 120 animals ranging from horses to a tiny budgie. I will attach a list as a separate document as my husband just figured out the annual tally for Mother’s Day, although he cheated and signed the card “From the Whole Gang.” Between today and the Rapture, the number can fluctuate by as many as 20. I can send daily updates if requested.
6) Describe any special needs, requirements, medications: My pig, Ozzie Osboar, needs calcium and vitamin D added to his breakfast every day, along with his glucosamine supplement. His chiropractor adjusts him twice a year (I don’t believe she will be “taken up” as she was raised Jewish; I have included her phone number.) Also, every night he must be fed half a banana, then covered up with his favorite red plaid fleece blankie and told how he is the most handsome piggie piggie piggie in the entire world or he won’t be able to sleep. His meals are served promptly at 7 a.m., 11 a.m. and 4 p.m. and if he calls out during the day (it sounds a lot like he is yelling “Mama,”) he is allowed to have one or two dog cookies between meals, but that’s all. If he gains too much weight it will inflame his spine where he broke it as a baby.
[This is followed by 25 more pages of explicit instructions for each animal on the farm.]
7) Are any pets aggressive? Describe behavior: If the person who tucks Ozzie in at night is not me, he will leap up out of his straw and try to kill him or her (my husband can attest to this as he had a rough few nights when I was recently in the hospital.) If Ozzie turns on you, throw the banana and run. Fast.
One (1) pet per rescue address = $135.00
Each additional pet per rescue address = $20.00
Please enter total applicable fee: $2,415.00
Yes, they take MasterCard, Visa, American Express, Discover Card and more, but it turns out this service is just too rich for my poor Yankee blood.
I skipped to the fine print and read:
- If subscriber loses his/her faith and/or the Rapture occurs and subscriber is not Raptured (aka is "left behind") EE-BP disclaims any liability; no refund will be tendered.
- Should a relative residing within the rescue location not be Raptured and opts to retain the pet(s), EE-BP will not take possession of the pet(s). No refund will be tendered.
All sales are final.
Alas, as always, it turns out the Rapture is not for me. Qualified or not (no comments, please) I simply can’t leave behind my animals. I mean, I haven’t been on a vacation in two years, partly because of Ozzie, and partly because of the other 119 or so pets. How could I possibly be swept up to Heaven and leave my husband to take care of all this? (Only joking, Baby! They’d take you before they took me!) And in the end, if my animals can’t go, I’d rather not go; everything and everyone that I love is right here, including our wild mustang, Annabelle, who is due to deliver her foal by this weekend. I'm staying put.
However, if you’ve been a very good person and expect salvation on Saturday, the website for this organization is http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/. I will not be applying for a position as one of their representatives as my farm is currently all filled up; with or without a Rapture, animals get abandoned every day and I can't help but take them in.
I will leave you with one more gem from the Eternal Earthbound Pet website’s FAQ page:
Q: How do you ensure your representatives won't be Raptured.
A: Actually, we don't ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God/Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.
Seriously. You can’t make this stuff up. Heck, even I can’t make this stuff up . . .